Dear Justin,
Give it back.
By now we’ve all seen what you did to your Audi R8. You could have done anything to it. You could have tasked Audi with making you a completely one-of-a-kind finish. Any color you wanted. We could have made you something so beautiful and unique, so matchless that no one else on the face of this entire planet would have had one like it. Heck, we could have named the color after you.
Instead, you gave your R8 into the hands of some aftermarket dive and said, “Make it leopard print.” We don’t blame the shop. They’re just trying to make a living and put their kids through school like the rest of us. We blame you. You asked for an R8 to mimic the coat of a leopard, something usually reserved for certain ladies’ apparel.
It wasn’t enough that you sang. It wasn’t enough that you existed. You had to take a vehicle that millions of people would love to just take their pictures with, and you had to turn it into something that no one would want to see ever. Happy?
We’re not, which is why we’re saying this: we will buy it from you. We will literally drive to the bank, withdraw something of value and give it up just so that this R8 will be out of your grasp forever and always. We’re not sure how much we would give you because we wouldn’t want to be a part of you doing this again. That would be like funding the Galactic Empire from Star Wars—it’s a movie, don’t worry about it.
It’s clear that the R8 doesn’t belong with you. Years of therapy might not be enough to repair the damage. We’ll drive it during sunset once it has been refinished and tell it that no one knows what it used to look like. Will it be enough to convince her? We don’t know. We might not ever find out.
That’s our proposal. Find yourself a nice bicycle and just pedal around for a while. It’s what kids usually do. Have the R8 shipped to us. This has gone on long enough.
Sincerely,
Audi Raleigh